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CAL Open

TWL Gamma

We've recently run into some legal woes courtesy of our pickup of b3e from tUx. Below is an email we received at Initech headquaters not too long ago. Not surprisingly, it was found in my junk email box :o

Greetings and salutaions! Congratulations on your 2-0 record in CAL-Open, you look like a strong team this season, in no small part i'm sure to the acquisition of our esteemed colleague B3e.

They say you cant put a price on leetness, yet here I am doing just that. I trust you found the free trial to be to your satisfaction? If thats not the case, please return B3e within 7 days and no charges will be made to your account and no sales person will call. Of course if you have found B3e to be satisfactory we have the matter of settling accounts at hand.

A commodity of B3e's calibre does not come cheap but it it is still nonetheless a great value. We at Dead Penguin are willing to licence to you, Clan Office Space, our proprietary 'B3e Pwnage Technology' (henceforth known as BPT) for exclusive use on Monday nights for the reasonable sum of 1 standard 2.2lb bag of Jelly Belly brand jelly beans. As a value added incentive, we at Dead Penguin will also throw in Tuesday nights at no additional charge! You get 2 nights of exclusive BPT (tm, patent pending, tbh, imo) for one reasonable price. Some people may balk at this pricing but they haven't experienced the awesome power of the BPT (tm, all rights reserved, FWIW, TTFN) If you feel at this time the BPT (registered trademark, not for internal use) is not within your financial means, we have other budget concious priced pwnage technologies. One of which is the AssGasket Pwnage Technology, which we can lease to you for unlimited exclusive use at the thrifty price of 1 Werthers Original butterscotch confection. I eagerly await your response with full payment.

Sorta sincerely,

tUx.CodeWarrior, CEO, CFO, CIO, IIRC, OMG, A/S/L, VP Jackassery Dead Penguin Gaming Team

Dear Mr. Codewarrior:

Re: tUx b3e's Contract, Initech Corp., RtCW division

I regret to inform you that your recent application for the settlement of accounts was unsuccessful.

Although b3e has met all of the mandatory minimum qualifications for the position, Initech Corporation feels that they have spent considerable amounts of money fostering your colleague. The team asked me to convey to you their thanks for b3e and to tell you that with a few more years of diversified experience in the field he might well be a successful team player worthy of payment.

Onto our concerns;

Please regard this as an Invoice for teammate services provided while researching and training b3e on the art of playing RtCW while participating with Initech Corp. in the CyberAthletic Amateur league, Return to Castle Wolfenstein Open division.

The work was performed between May 4, 2004 and May 26, 2004

------------------------------

Gaming without Opposable Thumb Services - 47.0 hours @ $60/hr = $2,820.00

b3e's Expenses (Disposal of fishheads, p0rn rentals, body wax) = $3,412.50

Wild Fowl as Domesticated Pet Tax (Reg. No. 1426-94, at 9%) = $181.64

-----------------------------

Invoice Sub-Total = $6,414.14
Previous credit rendered for Jelly Beans - $3.95

Invoice Total (payable within 30 days of invoice date) = $6,410.19

Currently we do not need anymore assgaskets, as our technology is on the cutting edge with the present Kicked In The Head (KITH) system that we possess.

On behalf of Initech Corp. I thank you for your interest and effort, and I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Please don't hesitate to contact me at tUx-suxs (889-7897) ext:1337 should you require further information.

Hella Sincerely,

c[_]`Wippuh Senior Mocker of Fowl in Charge of wtfomglolownedlololol

The RtCW season is going along quite well for the team and we're currently 2-0. Including a riveting 3-0 win over NoX on Tundra_Rush that saw the return of Milton to the battlefield! Quite a sight to see this long time player return for some stapler rage! Who's next? There's been Orby sightings, but nothing has been confirmed. Stay tuned!

This week we face off vs the powerhouse 2448 on mp_beach. Hopefully our change to the 1 night of scrims this season will help us in not being totally embarrassed.

In other exciting news, it looks like Office Space is slowly showing signs of becoming a true multi gaming team! Hellfox and Dante are slowly but surely building the foundations for a ut2k4 team for competition. In the last 2 days, we've had the feared Pandandy return after a long hiatus and inform us that he's really into Call of Duty. So Jammy's been given the green light to field a CoD div for OS with his friend Chris. Looks like the c[_] will be seen after all in CoD. Fear!

The Pandandy SMASH! Coming to a CoD server near you!

In a surprise move, we've done somewhat well this season in CAL-Open. A lot of that has to do with the Central Conference being pretty weak. Combine that with our fairly weak schedule and we came out 6-3-1. Not bad for not having scrimmed a single time all season! We got into the playoffs with a #3 seed but have to face off vs the crazy stacked team of Renegades. Wish us luck :/

However, that is not the biggest news. With our win last night on village, a map that we now consider a strength along with sub and assault, we notched our 50th win overall! It only took a year and a half but it was well worth it. Not many teams around that can say they've notched 50 wins. Extremely rare considering how small and tight we've kept our roster!

I guess it's time for some thanks for our small accomplishment. No doubt we'd like to thank the teams out there that made this possible. Without the fun that teams like SoS, the Amish, GFU, OPP, Burque, VIB, Ni!, tE and Handof provide(d) in gaming, we wouldn't continue to play. Danke sehrs!

You know what is annoying? Dante. That's right. Dante is annoying. From disrupting threads that are blatant flame bait fun, to reminding me that the site hasn't had a news update in a while. So it's time for an update for what's going on in the world of Office Space.

RtCW is going well. We've been joined up by some of our pals at GFU this season in CAL-Open. KillerMike (c[_]^Consultant), BrickWall (c[_]^DryWall) and Tr3y (c[_]^LunchTr3y) have all joined the roster so that we can continue playing. In turn, Abi and myself have joined the GFU roster so that they can play in TWL-Beta. GFU is 3-0 in TWL, with 2 wins coming while we were down a man, and OS is 4-2-1 in CAL. All of that without scrims, which is proving to provide a much more relaxed and fun atmosphere. I can honestly say that this is the most fun I've had playing the game since Landshark and I invaded beaches as Kramer and Newmann. Hopefully we'll have some playoff matches to play in so that the fun will keep rollin'.

Speaking of fun, an epic match was brought up against us last night from old school RtCW team redrum. Both teams don't scrim so the typical did not happen on Chateau. Instead 6 mauser defenses, venoms, shanks and flamers were the order of the evening. Without a doubt it was a blast. redrum is now our bestest buddies and we're not letting Kith or Hellfox talk to them so that they stay that way.

A tired goat after all the shanks in the redrum match.

From the book of BJB 11:13

"And while ze Lanshark shall be smiting n00bs in online poker, there shall come a time when he shall know his fury is needed. A time when ze gheyest of the ghey, ze Dante, will try to stray and receive abuse from the voices of others. During this time, ze Landshark will cry out with the passion of a 1000 firey suns usually reserved for Jammy, and curse the name of ze Dante, ze gheyest of the ghey, again over thy vent server. The masses shall know Landshark's fury is nigh, when the c[_] returns to CAL."

Dante put up a post saying that he might be looking for another RtCW team for next season. The prophecy was fulfilled and OS returns to the battlefield. Wombats are stirring beneath the earth's crust and rumors have even surfaced that ze Shark has indeed remembered what RtCW is. We will suck since we'll only be playing match night, no scrims, but face, speed and dirt will carry us through!

One of the only original Book of BJB that has survived.

Oh my, it has been a while! This is mainly due to Kith's lack of focus at bugging me about updates. Due to his failure 10 points have been deducted from House Snapple and 10 points have been rewarded to House Evil Goat Beard for pestering me about the update. Due to the exchange of points, Dante's house trails only Corona for the coveted Initech Cup. House Enfos and PokerParty are tied for dead last.

Since the lame Harry Potter analogies are gone, it't time to get to business. LTP turned 8 last week and everyone threw a little party for him. Of course he wasn't there because he wasn't invited, but oh well, we had fun.

Also, some Initech members have gone damn dirty and *gasp* have begun to play ET with the Amish! This is an outrage and in order to keep an eye on everything I have infiltrated the Amish ranks to make sure that Fish and Gigolo don't convert anyone from the Stapler to the Churn. With OS's help, Amish participated in their very first ET match last night in TWL preseason and came away with a hard fought win. Wombats were spotted wearing bonnets and I nearly blew my cover while crying. However I did do an excellent job of TK'ing Gigolo repeatedly if I may say so! So all is not lost.

Stay tuned for more updates as we slowly try to break the Amish's weak wills. Also, keep a look out for our RtCW team coming together. KillerMike has joined the roster and we may have some more fun people join soon!

The Amish call on Initech!

The season ended this Tuesday, as we went through the motions and just got destroyed by Team Vote in TWL. It wasn't a pretty match, but no one really minded as everyone was happily mining redstone for Hellfox 10 minutes later. Since about week 4 or 5 it's been painfully obvious that RtCW just doesn't hold the same place in our hearts as it use to. Upon returning to Initech headquarters from mp_beach we found Milton trying to light the place on fire! It's because of this, that it looks about a 75% chance that Office Space will not be participating in any leagues next season. I'm holding out hope though. Hopefully a full offseason of rest and relaxation will help us.

Don't worry though. We're still going to be playing. What you ask? Well, let me give the rundown on everyone and see if that helps.

Doppy, Hellfox, Abi and Kith have become Savage fans and can currently be found playing on the Office Space Texas Savage Demo Server!!! Please feel free to drop by and play with them, as they are complete n00bs and are getting owned.

Speaking of getting owned, Landshark is now a professional online poker player. He plays the nickel tables and is currently up to a staggering amount of $2.45! His goal is to win $7.50 so that he can afford the first Harry Potter book. 4 more years at his current pace and he'll be set.

Team Chotchkies, aka Skynx and LTP, are in the process of getting their acceptance letters to college. Upon acceptance, they plan to slack like mofo's their last portion of high school and play video games like they use to. Fear Team Chotchkies! Word has it that they have both applied to THE Ohio State Univeristy so that they too can master the 'quote by=""' cut and paste and become lil' Recons.

Speaking of Recon. He's still aliasing on Locked Box and Narf as Rubber Ducky. Pissing the l33t's off as he flamethrows his way to bathtime fun! Word has it that he's out for a pizza from Orbyte, but we think that it's all lies. We haven't seen this Pizza of Mass Pepperoni, and believe that it's all lies from Recon to work his way into getting Orby's home address. Recon can also be found playing ET a lot and rooting on OSU in his beloved college foosball.

Orby, well, he's being Orby. Still pubbing like mad at RtCW and working at his new job. Rumors have surfaced that he may be losing his broadband connection, but again, just lies of the evilness out there. Orby is THE rock in OS, and he will always remain consistant.

Dante, being evil, oh so evil, is having a kid! Well, not him, but his wife. This is numero 2 for the goat bearded one. If karma pays him back, he'll be having another girl, otherwise he'll have a little boy who will become the uber LT who's first words will be "spawntimes?". Sadly, Dante has some morals and is going to help with the newborn instead of playing video games next season.

Wanna know what Jammy is doing? Check here. Jammy = dork. Worse. Jammy = dork with a blog. The title of his page is "I am a nerd, hear me compute." Need I say more? Yup, I do. High five! No. :)

If anyone hears from Roguer, let us know. We haven't seen or heard from him since last season on Frostbite! We worry about him going on a killing spree in Miami as the Unibrower.

Finally, there's Wipp! I'm still trying to keep planet-rtcw.com up to snuff, and I'm holding out all hope that I can convince some of the guys to return for another season of Wolf. Even if we have to recruit a new guy or too. I'm also looking at some ET time with Gig, Fish and Helmut from the Amish. I believe that we may have a few c[_]'s join forces with those butter churners to terrorize some ET. A butter covered wombat. That's a scary thought.

There you go folks, those are our plans. Maybe we'll be back, but I'm not sure. To keep up you have to scrim so much, and right now there's so many mean and l33t teams out there, that the fun is almost totally gone. We'll see though, as ze c[_] is made of a strong material, it will be seen again! Full of face, speed and dirt!

Looks like I'm not the only one working with a Warcraft3 theme lately. Hellfox decided to go wombat stylee on everyone last night and assume the task of Orc Peon. To make sure he completed his job faithfully on defense, he went straight to the flag whenever it was up and mined gold! Hellfox returned so much gold in fact that he was able to give some to Doppy, giving him the ability build his Royal Doppy Panzerfaust. Not a pretty sight on mp_village! At the end of the night Hellfox came out on top of the stats with a tech percentage of 98 and resources that boggle the mind. This helped Office Space secure a 3-1 win over 502nd and a 3-0-1 win over sUx, err.. tUx. Kith has still not quit the server yet as he's waiting for us to hop back on and clear an expansion for him in the central courtyard.

Also helping Hellfox in his menial tasks, was his evil pal Dante. Somewhere along the line these two have become quite the combo. They get paired up a lot and we kind of think of them as the ambigiously gay duo of OS. They were all about the bling bling and protecting the flag the last week. Together they were the wind beneath the other's wings. Things are going so well in fact that we expect sabotage from SkynxTP anytime now, as they attempt to take back the title of SuperDuo of OS.

Office Space is currently about to enter another season of bone crushing action in Wolfenstein. It's a countdown of 1 week until the festivities get off to their start on mp_assault. However, we've been dealt a dreadful blow as our beloved Abi-Normal has been taken from us for the next month! That means for the next month, OS is down a man. This has lead to extreme measures. Upon an emergency meeting of all employees, it was decided what must be done. We must go forth and seek out Recon_Para!

With very little hope, we turn to you to help us in our search for the elusive one. We have a few clues as to assist us in this daunting task, so pay attention if you wish to catch the great one.

The Known Trademarks of Conservatus OSUs Millerius Lite aka Recon_Para

Known to go absolutely crazy upon the mention of the words Coulter, Michigan, and Recycle. Mostly found in the midwestern part of the country drinking Miller Lite and harassing kids for playin their radios too loud.

Upon the rare chance that he's not seen playing Foosball 2004 and taking money from unspecting victims, he may stray into a rare game of Enemy Territory. Alias include Bob the Builder, Woody Hayes, Brutus the Buckeye, or Swedish Chef of Doom. Below we have included what we believe is a never before seen pic of the Swedish Chef of Doom. This Covert Ops is well disguised, but our experts say this could be him.

Do not be fooled by the clever disguise

It's that time of year again. School is back in session, we all stood outside of Initech corporate headquarters as the short yellow bus pulled up to take our youngins off to the land of learning. LTP wouldn't stop screaming "Stop the bus, use grenades, use panzerfausts", but a quick slap in the back of the head from Abi shut him up. So off he went with Hellfox, Doppy, and Skynx to learn something new today at school.

This is a rough time for the elder statesmen of Office Space, as we were all misty eyed watching our young comrades leave us. We're sure to survive though, as any sympathy will quickly be erased by Dante if our 4 scholars don't bring him their cookies and juice. Hopefully their naps will be enough for them to keep going in our late night scrims, otherwise, we'll be forced to remove them from school as their careers as pro gamers will be jeopardized.

Be sure to drop by #initech on gamesnet and help the guys as they study. Landshark is busy making flashcards with all the weapons from Wolfenstein and their corresponding damage ratios. Kith is tasting all the paste to make sure that Skynx won't get too sick from eating it all, and we're modding WarCraft 3 to include a fun and exciting vocubulary mode for Hellfox. "Killing be inconsiderable."

Doppy and Hellfox getting ready for the bus to arrive

Locknar to all the fans of Office Space out there. In our continuing trend towards company domination, we've surpassed the 4,000 unique hits in a month mark. We're not sure what's going on! One thing we're sure it's not because of is any OS member having an IM nick like DougiePoopkins! How someone with that nick would get a job gives us serious concerns about the California employment system. The only nicks that even come close to being lamer than DougiePoopkins would be Riptide, KickedInTheHead, Asahi, or Kronk!

In good news this month, we just had the trifecta of good things happen to Office Space. Leading the pack was Hellfox. He went from his Crapintosh to a nice shiny Dell, complete with a Radeon 9800. To ease the transition from his mac to a real man's pc, he got the complete "pink like my old mac" package. It's a unique situation as the guys are finally cutting me slack on how strung out I get over ventrilo. Now they know what's like being on voice with Dellfox. Scary!

Following up the Dell, comes Orby. Orby use to work for the goverment. No more though. Orby is now a skip tracer for a nation wide bank. This puts Orby into a CRAZY high tax bracket and places him at the top of the "who do we ask to pay for the server this month?" list. Congrats Orb!

At the tail end of the pack, and that's usually where you'll find him, is Landshark. Old man Shark just spent the last 2 months studying up for his certifications. He went in and destroyed his test though. 2 hours and 55 questions laster, Landshark is now authorized to scrub the toilets at the local Quickie Mart. He still has 3 more tests to take, and if passes all of those, he's a full fledged janitor and will be eyeing the big prize! A nice shiny quarter added to his $5.35/hr! Maybe, just maybe, we'll buy him a new mop to show how proud we are of him at OS.

That's all for the big events. The offseason is coming to a close and Qcon is coming up. Pimpin' for OS at Qcon will be Kith, Doppy, Jamandy, and yours truly. I'm not sure how you'll find us, but I know that Kith will be bloody and bruised as I finally get to take out a year and a half of frustrations on him. CaptianObvious has the Pain Train headin' his way. WoooooWooooo!

Hello, my name is DougiePoopkins!

One of the following names has been changed to prevent LTP from IM'ing him over and over and harassing him for being a dork. Baseball cards, comics, even Garbage Pail Kids. They're all good when you're growing up. We draw the line at MtG!

Rhal-Tos: hehe, know naybody who wants to buy a nice colelction of MtG cards? rofl
Wippuh: huh?
Rhal-Tos: gg's typos....OMG
Rhal-Tos: just saying i have a shitload of old magic cards I'm proabbly going to sell off
Rhal-Tos: you know...magic the gathering....your best buddy's hobby
Wippuh: oh gawd
Rhal-Tos: hey now, i was in college and it was good for passing time in an otherwise very dull ass town

***UPDATE***

StarchAngel: better than playing magic the gathering ahahahahah!!!!
StarchAngel: roflolowonedlol
Rhal-Tos: have you ever played it?
Rhal-Tos: seriously?
StarchAngel: yeah lol
StarchAngel: :-(
StarchAngel: i had a collection too

***UPDATE***

Umm... no.

In other, not so firn news, I've been allowed to start writing for planet-rtcw.com! Fun so far, with minimal flames! Kith is still a dork, Hellfox is a beast at wc3 and makes fun of me for being horrible. LTP is hiding secrets from Skynx (who is also a dork) and this is the shortest news post EVER.

WOW, no Kith on AIM for a few days now about updating the news. Something must be up in his hometown in Greenland. W0rd up, it's not so green y0! Anyway, we have sad news here at Initech. It seems that one of our faithful comrades has fallen to a MMORPG. I have no idea what that stands for, but from what I hear it stereotypes you into a corner of geekdom that even other geeks look at and go "Um... only a friggin' nerd would pay for this crap!"

The coworker we speak of is Jamandy and the MMOROFL is Star Wars Galaxies. It seems that Jammy is now a "novice doctor" and spends countless hours hunting for countless items like the -15 dollars/month ball & chain (complete with LucasArts trademark stamp). I'm pretty sure that Jammy has already found this item, as have all the others.

So we didn't know for a long time what was going on. We thought Jamandy was preparing for qcon by buying up Pepsi's for DeviantDuck and clearing CamperStrike players out of Dallas. But that wasn't the case. One sunny afternoon LTP went out to grab the mail at headquarters. Complete in his lederhosen and singing German drinking songs, LTP was in a great mood but later came running in crying for Skynx. We were all curious as to what LTP was holding as it was obvious it was the cause for his great distress. The guilty piece of mail is pictured below.

Truly saddening.

Man, you would think Kith would have enough time to do a news post with all the nagging he sends my way about getting them up. Something about "yar, news y0" and then endless rambling about panda bears, Warcraft 3 expansions, Snapple, and young boys in his trunk. Lucky for me I mastered the art of tuning Kith out a long long time ago and can go about my business easily.

I will go ahead and do something fun since it seems with had 3200+ UNIQUE hits to the site last month! Needless to say that all of them but mine were to the forum section of the site, but hey, I'll keep posting like Recon keeps an eye on www.olsentwinscountdown.com.

I guess the biggest bit of news would be the fact that the regular season is finally over. We went 4-4 in Cal-O. Without a doubt we're disappointed by this. All 4 teams that beat us are going to the playoffs and 3 of them narrowly escaped with 3-2 wins vs our company! I'm just gonna go ahead and play the "Wippuh is an arrogant tool" card and say that we played our C game all season long. We should have done much better and been up there challenging GLOW and SI for the Cal-O championship. However we didn't. So we'll be back next season with renewed dedication. We learned a lot about what we did wrong and we plan on correcting that. Also, get ready for the c[_] heading your way in matches as well as the scrims!

Finally, we'd like to congratulate Hellfox on getting his driver's permit. Hellfox is entering that confusing part of the path to adulthood for a young man, the ackward part everyone goes through. The Warcraft/Matrix years. Between complaining about how he didn't take the blue pill and describing how his blade thirsts (now the basis for a restraining order) Hellfox is now roaming the streets of sunny California in a motor vehicle! No doubt bumping to Tom Jones and Wombat spotting. We fear the day that Hellfox gets a full-fledged license! The Army is already seriously considering just dropping Hellfox in the middle of Iraq, in a tank, and telling him that Saddam has a copy of Enemy Territory for Mac. We believe a driver's license is all that is stopping Operation "Pink Macintosh of Death".

A celebration pic taken by Hellfox after passing his test.

Once again Kith has found me and demanded a news post on the site. It has been a bit since we had our last one, but a couple of 2-3 losses and possibly the worse trainwreck of a match ever vs MX has left a bitter taste in my mouth. In happier news though, seems like our destruction on ice has woke up the guys. We had 6 straight days of sub scrim and while we're still not up to our old form, we did have a good time! I think the highlight for me were some memorable shank battles vs nyX-Sharp and the discussions about how long it would take for a certain high profile player in the wolf scene to have his lunch money taken from him at school. I went for 10:00, but only if the girl's math team was at a meet. Otherwise 9:15.

In order to present something of interest, I thought I'd bring up a subject that has gone unnoticed by us for a very long time. However, with the addition of the goat-beard wonder, Dante, we've had to analyze this a lil' bit closer. What am I talking about you ask? Why the OS lingo of course. So I thought I'd give everyone a lil' rundown on some of the more commonly used phrases. Maybe, in the future, we'll need you to ring for us. This handy guide will ease the transition on ventrilo.

Cash eh

Cached.net. Recon demands that it's phonetically pronounced Cash eh! We now believe that Recon may be Canadian.

Cha'd

The most leathal of any ownage. Being Cha'd (derived from the words Chair D) is like having every elbow, kneecap, ankle dropped your dome, chrome, downgrade n00b self at once.

Jammy

The dreaded Pandandy, aka Jamandy. Innovator of the Chair D. He likes bamboo and Lo Mein!

Kith

Kicked In The Head. A slow moving drunk from Greenland. He likes country music, Natural Light, and Shatter's away messages.

Kithanese

A rare language only spoken by Kith. Jammy and a few members of OS can translate snippets of it, but most of us, like everyone from outside the team, don't understand a damn word of it.

Locknar

We're not sure, but we like the sound of it. LOCKNAR!

Lehmann'd

(*NEW*) newb'd, ghey'd, downgraded all rolled into one. If there was ever an antithesis to being Cha'd this would be it.

Lollololownedlol

Standard statement from Jammy following anything said to Landshark.

MuthaBeotch

Kith's term used when he is at a loss for words. Perhaps only rivaled in our irc logs with the phrase "Landshark: I hate you Jammy"

Netfone

Hellfox's lone source of contact to the outside world. Times out constantly due to Hellfox owning a pink Mac.

Puddin'

Awwww yeah, $240 worth of puddin!

Rawr!

The compadre to Lumbergh's "Hello Peter. What's Happening?" RAWR!

Rojay

Nick of our Miami affiliate Roguer. Phonetic pronouncication. Drives a Suburu Brat.

Sammitch

Some sort of weird thing that Skynx and LTP make for each other. Dictated the inclusion of a "don't ask, no, really don't ask" policy for OS.

Spiffy

Recon's standard phrase that something is either 1) OSU affliated 2) Bob the Builder affliated 3) Makes fun of the French to his high standards!

Snap

Everyone's term for things are going well. Snap!

Tom Jones

Just the baddest biped to ever roam the Earth suckas! He'll show you the lead and how to swing it too!

Wombat

When Jammy dreamed about the Chair D, it was being set up by Wombats. The most fearsome and kickass mammals on the planet.

Word up

Translated from Kithanese this mean "hey I have something to say" or "hello".

Yar

Kithanese for "I'm feeling frisky" or "Where's my Snapple!?!?"

I hope those help everyone. Now we won't have to explain them to Dante anymore either! I'll put more up as soon as the guys come to me and say something I don't understand.

During our recruitment process we looked far and wide for that one special person to help us out in our wolfie stylee. Having no luck with anyone coming to us, we decided to go and actually buy a new player. Knowing that our pal, HandofDeath, runs an Alpacas farm in his spare time, we ventured forth to Texas to see if there was anything of interest.

Upon arrival at his ranch, we wanted to see the one known as Dante (formerly known as HandofAdonieus). We had read his profile on Death's site and thought he might be a good fit. The following was the bio listed on Dante.

BF DANTE
DOB 10/4/00
Dante is rambunctious but is easy to handle. He has excellent conformation and a good bite with a nice soft handle to his fleece. Potential herdsire material.

2001 Histogram: 22.0; SD 3.7; CV 16.9; % over 30: 2.6
2002 Histogram: 18.4; SD 3.6; CV 19.8; % over 30: 1.0
Sire: PERUVIAN KING G175 (white)
Dam: MFI PPERUVIAN MAYIENA'S SEASON (bay black)
Alpaca Registry ID: ou812
Color: Medium Fawn
$6,500.

Now, we didn't know what to really think. Obviously young, we knew we could mold Dante into a Chair D wielding wombat of death! Doppy was all about the nice soft handle of his fleece, and Kith spoke very highly of Peruvian King! Orby just wanted to test out the potential herdsire material tidbit.

In the end we decided to purchase Dante from HandofDeath. We pulled the $6,500 out of our server fund and in order to save some gas money, rode Dante back to Initech Corporate Headquarters.

We think Dante is going to be an excellent fit and we thank HandofDeath in his pivotal role in making this happen. Be sure not to spend all that cash on just one polyester leisure suit!

Everyone be sure to come by #initech on gamesnet and say hey to our newest member!

The newest face of Office Space, Dante!

I've started this news post about a million times. I don't know what to write really. I'm just gonna skip the fact that we lost both our matches this week 2-3. No excuses, no bs roster issues. We've lost a ton of matches 2-3 this season and it's about to make us lose it. You remember trying to change the staples in your stapler when you were little? You'd mess up every now and then and the spring would fling out and put out some kid's eye across the room. Well, that's how it is around the office right now. I don't know if it will be next week, the week after, or even next season, but we're going to return to last season's form. The stapler is going to be painted a darker shade of red, and the wombats will roam free once again. Tom Jones will be singing, and there will be $240 dollars worth of puddin on the Mothership. I promise everyone that you don't wanna see what happens when you arm a wombat with the Chair D!

In other news, I'm about to attend Bonnaroo! I went last year, and I can't wait to attend again this year. We're looking at another Widespread Panic concert (55th?), plus other bands I have been really looking forward to seeing. No Tom Jones, but I'm looking forward to Neil Young, Sonic Youth, The Roots, Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, Robert Randolph, The Flaming Lips, GLove, NMAS, Galactic, the list goes on and on! It's suppose to be really wet this year and the highs are expected to be in the low 80's. Should be a lot of fun. So I've gotta go now and pack for Bonnaroo, I'll have another update sooner or later with how the weekend went!

Bonnaroo Checklist
8 cases of beer - Check
12 puddin cups - Check
1 handle of Jack Daniels - Check
mp40 - Check
Huge Tarp for shade - Check
Flashlight used for finding way to arcade tent at 4:30am - Check

Here's Abi-Normal about to go absolutely insane from all the 2-3 losses

You want updates, I'll give you updates! In the long storied history of OS, there's a few things that have remained consistant. Landshark's utter hatred of Jamandy, KITH saying "y00000" a lot, Recon saying something about his beloved Buckeyes no matter what, and us totally sucking on assault while on offense. In a move that boggles our minds, we might have eliminated the last problem.
We're not talking about us being poor on offense, we were really nothing more than target practice for the other team. We'd try anything and everything and yet it would simply not work. Not work may be an understatement. How about, we didn't know what the glow of dyno on the tower looked like from any view but defense. So this week when we defeated Ni 2-1-1 (ties count as points in cal) and then lost a heartbreaker to Sanrio 2-3, you wouldn't have known we'd done anything other than conquer the world. A map that has always been the complete death of us, looks to be on the upswing. We're thrilled, and look forward to the rest of the season on maps that we've generally enjoyed a lot in the past.

In other news, they've released info on Qcon! Looks like we'll have myself, Doppylicious, Kith, and Jam "the Lemon Cookie Panandy of Death" attending this year's festivities. They have a RtCW tourney and a Quake 3 CTF tourney too. But in an astounding turn of events, they've added an Enemy Territory tourney! I turned to our local ET expert, LTP, to get a lowdown on what this was all about.

Wippuh: So LTP, give us the scoop.
LTP: ET ET ET ET ET ET ET ET!!!
Wippuh: Yes, that's what I hear. From what I can tell it will be 16 teams of 8 members, randomly selected from the BYOC participants. Is this true? Also, do you plan on attending now that there's an ET tourney? Will you perhaps leave the friendly confines of the igloo and venture south?
LTP: OMG OMG OMG OMG ET ET ET ET!!!
Wippuh: Fascinating! Now what's this I hear about you being THE ET player? I've spoke with Id and they say that if you do indeed attend Qcon, they just plan to give you the $10,000 in prize money for ET so that the other participants don't get humiliated so bad in person.
LTP: RAWR! ET ET ET ET ET ET!!!
Wippuh: Truly a man of deep insight. I thank you for your time LTP. Any last words?
LTP: Skynx is mah bish!

As you can see, LTP is excited about this and can be found at this very moment laying the smackdown on an ET server near you.

Here's LTP preparing for his trip to Dallas

Eek, I forgot to tell everyone! Office Space is now sporting new tags! In order to keep the confusion down in game and in irc, we've gone to sporting the ever so sexy coffee cup tag. This helps distinguish who's who and has helped us get our team a lil' more on the map!

I'd like to thank Abi and Skynx for thinking it up. The c[_] has been getting a lot of notice and has been fun to play with! We will still be kicking the OS nicks in official matches, complete with customized ugly colors and ==staples==.

In other news, we lost to VIB on Frostbite. There's tons of excuses I have to offer up, but we'll just blame it on Kith as he darted off to watch some Disney on Ice show on match night. Without his 'hoooooooooos' and 'y0 dawg, word up, I sees me a big ol transmitter like building, word up' it just wasn't the same. We went down 0-2 really quick, managed to steal 2 rounds to tie it up and then fell apart in the final round when Hellfox started talking about the good ol days. Stories about when he and Kith use to take long walks on the beach and whisper sweet nothings to each other. We're a sentimental bunch, and his stories just brought us all to tears. We were simply in no shape to fight after that.

So, we're onto Assault, our arch nemesis. After complaining about the incredibly early start times, TWL has rewarded us with a pacific team to play. Only bad thing is that it's Sanrio! Robowan is probably sick of sniping us by now. Hopefully we can tune up our offense enough that we can give them a decent challenge. Combine this with the fact that we play Ni! in CAL, and it's a good thing that we're finally getting all the guys together to scrim as a regular team.

I'll get back to you with updates about those matches as soon as they're done. Until then, check out our forums (special NurseEdna sighting this weekend!) and come say hey to us on irc.

We got a stroke of good luck, the mysterious one only known as Drew showed up for our CAL match vs Genocide. Short of a Steve or Stan sighting, Drew is one rarely seen individual! So when he showed up and informed us "Hell, I'll play, wtf!", we knew that good times were to be had. Upon learning that we were playing Frostbite, Drew wanted to know "what the hell is all this weak custom map sh!t". We finally convinced him to play after assuring that it was a popular map and his rep would not be tarnished.

Usually showing the "OH Face" only on beach 20 minute shrub pubs, Drew is possibly the most feared gun on Office Space. Playing in an early time slot while vacationing on sunny Miami Beach, Drew has honed his skills into a fine assortment of vulgar cuss words and headshot precision. Calling Medics "pansies" and Panzers "wimps" Drew will not venture outside of his choosen LT class and chooses to dish ammo out only "to keep you guys from whining like the lil' beotches you are!"

With Drew supplying ammo and a ton of interesting words over voice, Office Space managed to escape with a 3-0 win over Genocide! GG's guys! The games were extremely fun and well played!

Frostbite got the O-face. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

Sheesh, looks like Kith is my biggest fanboi (I threw that in because Kith's a big Avril fan) as he won't leave me alone about posting some news. He wanted me to tell everyone about the Possum (native to Kith's home province of New Brunswick) that was killed in the wee hours of the morning only to be heard breathing heavily later on. He had more to describle but at that point in the conversation I just put him on /ignore and went back to poking my eyes out.

Last week we went 1-1 in our matches. We handled Fused, with their 3 CutThroat and 1 SpY ringer(s), 3-0. The dreaded Chair D was in full effect and ran to perfection. A big shout out to Jamandy who came up with and executed the Chair D only to disappear like a pair of women's stockings when Roger is around (cha'd). In our second match, played that night after Fused, we faced off vs OPP and got served. They ran the Chair D vs us!!! Obviously OPP was informed beforehand and the psychological damage was so severe that we blame our lost solely on that. We posted threads on their dastardly deeds here and here. Feel free to read up on OPP and their bad habits so you too will not fall prey to their evil ways.

This week we play VIB and Genocide on Frostbite. Due to school, the weekend and Memorial Day we have scrimmed the map exactly once this week. Combine that with the fantastic merging of Pacific and Central divs in both leagues and we get to play at an insanely early time. No warmup scrims, just scrambling to find players and going into matches with wives yelling at us (in LTP's case, that's Skynx yelling). Makes for some good times, but we're aiming to do well this week despite Landshark deciding that he'd rather vacation now instead of stand by his teammates! Something about going to Florida to visit Buddah and watch some NASCAR! We knew he was a dirty dirty traitor!

Well, I'm gonna close out now. I should have a post soon about how our Frostbite matches go and an update on Abi's trip to Vegas that he took last week! Abi, as many of you know, took on the responsibility to venture forth into the city of sin to find the perfect drink and report back his findings to OS! Way to go trooper! Maybe we'll do an update on Doppy as he's currently moving. 2 Wombats and a Truck = shenanigans! As always we're still looking for another dedicated scrim monkey! Come see us if interested.

So we worked really really hard for about two weeks on getting an aggressive beach strat down. We figured some stuff out and really liked what we had, we got excited about it and scrimmed it to death. So needless to say this week was extremely frustrating as team dot forfeited in CAL and we went against Masters in TWL.

We went into the week thinking that we had a bye week after cT dropped TWL. Two days before the match we were rescheduled vs Masters, but it was too late as everyone on our team had either bought tickets for Matrix:Reloaded or would be at school. With some frantic scrambling we managed to round up Wipp, Dopp, LS, Abi, and HF to make sure we had a team to face off vs Masters in the earlier than usual time slot.

Masters were cool enough to let us use a fill in player so we would have six, and that turned out to be HawkHunter of v0x fame. Thirty minutes before the match we hopped into the server and showed him the spot we wanted him to play. Knowing that we faced some harsh odds we finally faced off verse Masters and got properly spanked 3-0. It wasn't pretty as we had some blown assignments that threw off everything we base our defense on. Masters showed some nasty pf work and really nice 1v1 skills in the basement and deserved the win without a doubt. GG's guys. A demo of the match has been posted on cached.net if you would like to watch the pain.

The good news is that variety is the spice of life and we have te_ufo next week! Seeing how as we just played this map 3 weeks ago it should be a lot of fun to scrim again for another week . Well, there's always mp_Crapteau in week 3! /sarcasm Geez, who made this schedule?

Seriously though, it will be interesting to see how the next two weeks go as we totally redo our strats for both ufo and Crapteau. We've got some interesting ideas and it should be fun to scrim them. If you're interested in scrims, just contact us on our forums or find us on irc at #initech on gamesnet. We're still recruiting too, so if you're looking, give us a shout!

You know, there's just those days where you know everyone is happy. Well, today is one of those days. With efforts that resembled Pele and Romario, Wippuh and Landshark tore it up on the indoor pitch last night and brought home the first ever victory for their indoor soccer team. Final Score 5 - 3! Indoor soccer will never be the same. Celebration commenced at On Tap following the game and was a good time consisting of cheese fries, loaded nachos, and pitchers of Newcastle! We might have been nasty and stinky from the game, but it was well deserved.

Speaking of Newcastle, it's that time of the year again. Widespread Panic is rolling into Birmingham and Wippuh has officially lost focus on everything else. The keg of Newcastle is ready for Saturday and all the pals are flying in from places like Kansas City and Portland. That tells you what kind of party this turns into. The Barbeque will be flying and the music shall be rolling. It's going to be one hell of a time!

Another thing rolling is the Minnesota Wild. Skynx and LTP currently have igloos up in Minnesota and root for the Wild. Last night they secured their trip to the Western Conference finals by beating the Canucks 4-2. I don't keep up with hockey all that much, but I know that LTP was all pumped about the Wild, and that the Wild came back from a 1-3 series deficit to win 4-3. This is the second series they've done it too, setting a record! We fully expect the Wild to go on and win Lord Stanley's cup so that Skynx and LTP can have something else to brag about.

Finally, gotta say congrats to Doppy. While not spawncamping or inspiring fear with his wombatfaust, Doppy is studying to be a doctor! This semester he dressed up as Tom Jones and walked away with a 4.0 g.p.a.! No doubt he knows the lead and how to swing it too!

Like a stapler out of control, pcLoadLetterWTF.com is on a rampage! This month, for the first time ever, we passed the 2,000 unique hits count! Thanks for visiting the site guys, and I'll try to post some more news regularly. Right now we're signed up for both CAL and TWL, so the news should be coming in thick and heavy in the upcoming weeks!

Since so many people are visiting, we figure this would be a good place to let everyone know that we're recruiting! That's right, due to Orby going back to school to get his gold star for shapes and SkynxTP being in the middle of finals, the office is a lil' vacant around scrim time and that makes us sad. We need large groups of friends to distract us from the fact that we play video games and have more fun than people who watch American Idol as their form of entertainment (Kith)!

Anyway, here's what we're looking for. Someone who loves to scrim. We usually hit the irc channels spamming for scrims that start at 11est and don't stop playing till 1est! We have matches on Tuesdays and Wednesdays probably, so we scrim hard on Sunday and Monday, with maybe something on Thursday, but we usually just end up making fun of Jamandy. Friday and Saturday are reserved for partyin, or if you're really desperate, even more pubbin' with Corona-Abi and The_Wippuhgarita! Good times! We scrim some n00bs from the Amish weekly, and usually hook something up with those SoS guys when we need some charitable donations to write off on the taxes. We just love to scrim. We'll usually play some Warcraft3 or QPong too, so we're just not one dimensional.

If you're even mildly interested and think you could fit in with me (I'm mean) and the rest of the guys (nice), find us on irc.gamesnet.net in #initech. Or you can post on our forums, which Abi tells me is the most popular part of our site! Danke!

Oh man, it's been a long long offseason. Since our loss to those evil 12 year old Korean girls on mp_osSucksAtAssault, we've been keeping busy with tons of stuff. I thought about coming up with a creative lil' list of fun things we've all been up to, but I can't really think of anything specific.

Lots of us have been pubbin' it up and invading Shrub servers, while others have been starting to go back to school like Orby! LTP and Skynx are busy with their colors and shapes and will be back in full force as Team Chotchkies soon. Skynx and LTP on fulltime during the summer is about the scariest thought I can think of! Jammy got a nice lil' Everglide mousepad while I bought a rockin' Logitech mx500 optical mouse! Kith is playing Wolf Taktiks and trying to watch every quake 3 cpma demo/cast he can. Issues.

So onto a new season we go. We're hella rusty, but we're looking forward to the new go at it. The Amish are back on the schedule for their weekly beatdowns and we're looking for someone to give us a challenge. So, if you're looking for scrims, find us on irc making fun of Jamandy at #initech on gamesnet.

GL HF FSD!

Disclaimer: The characterizations in this website seek to inform and are not in any way an endorsement of panzers, SMGs, pistols, and/or nades in the workplace. Workplace violence is an important safety and health issue. The Occupational Health & Safety Administration (OSHA) has standards and regulations to prevent and deal with workplace violence (in SW mode). For information, please visit OSHA.

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